Anmeldelsen er i kategorien alvorlig-morsom, som i at jeg lo så jeg gråt selv om den radbrekker New Moon, og, må jeg innrømme - var helt på grensen til å gå i forsvarsposisjon...før jeg begynte å le igjen...Så ikke les den hvis du blir lett fornærmet!
Jeg bringer begynnelsen, les hele ved å klikke på tittelen:
New Moon in 15 minutes, av Cleolinda Jones:
"Early O'Clock, Casa de Swan
CHARLIE: Happy birthday, Bella!
BELLA: DAAAAAAAAAD! I was dreaming about being my own grandmother, DO YOU MIND.
CHARLIE: Look, I got you a camera so you can take pictures of your friends! You know, those kids you should stop ignoring, in case your creepy boyfriend suddenly leaves you. And hey, your mom got you a scrapbook to go with it... what? What? Why is that so funny?"
Fra Michael Rey hos Twilight sucks!!!
"Forks High
EDWARD: *jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaames
JACOB: Happy birthday, paleface! I stopped by Redskins 'R' Us and got you a dreamcatcher. I hear you'll be needing one a few scenes from now.
BELLA: Thanks... I guess?
EDWARD: deaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaans*
[Edward is one pack of cigarettes rolled up his sleeve from a rumble with the Sharks; I kind of want to pinch Jacob's cheeks. It's a little bit Opposite Planet, is what I'm saying.]
EDWARD: Happy b--
BELLA: NO DON'T TALK ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY I AM NOW A YEAR OLDER THAN YOU I'M SUCH A COUGAR lol except okay yeah you are a hundred years old YOU ARE SUCH A DIRTY OLD MAN OMG SO GROSS hanging around like this with an underage teenage girl except wait I'm legal now because OH GOD I AM EIGHTEEN AND THAT IS ONE MORE THAN SEVENTEEN AND I AM SO OOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!
JACOB: o_O ...?
EDWARD: Yeah... this is my life now.
Some English Class
BELLA: ilu bb
EDWARD: So while we're on the subject of Romeo and Juliet where everyone can hear us, I've been contemplating suicide lately. You know, some ironic but thematically appropriate means involving characters you're just now hearing about for the first time, should the plot necessitate it. I'm thinking... death by sparkle at high noon."
Fra roflrazzi.
"BELLA: I SAID, ILU BB
SOME ENGLISH TEACHER: Mr. Cullen! Please recite a thematically appropriate passage for us, so that the fangirls in the audience can record it on their phones and play it on repeat every night before they go to sleep.
EDWARD: *sigh*
SOME ENGLISH TEACHER: A bit louder, Mr. Cullen! Some of them will want to use it as a ringtone.
Bella's OMG STOP TALKING ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY Party
BELLA: Hey, I've been hanging out at your house all this time, but I've never noticed this painting before.
EDWARD: Well, you have been attached to my face for the last six months. It's a portrait of the Volturi--you know, the vampires who would help me kill myself, like I said.
BELLA: Yeah, the foreshadowing is really nice.
[And then a revival of Interview with the Vampire breaks out.]
[And all the Cullens got her presents just like she didn't want: Alice got her a dress from Hot Topic and Rosalie got her a necklace inscribed Whatever, Bella, I Hate You and Emmett's all like YO BELLA I GOT YOU THIS STEREO IT'S TOTALLY FLY, but right as Bella's opening Carlisle and Esme's present, Jasper's hair flips out and tries to snarfle her, so Edward... hurls Bella into a table full of sharp and breaky things. GO YOU, SPARKLES.]"
Fra Twilight Secrets.
"The Rainforest in Bella's Backyard
EDWARD: So we're all leaving town and I don't want you to come.
BELLA: Edward, you haven't wanted me to come for six months now. This is not new.
EDWARD: Bella, I am too dangerous for you. If I stay in these movies, there will constantly be some threat to you. I must leave you, because I love you.
BELLA: WTF EDWARD NO
EDWARD: Bella, let me mansplain this to you, since a frail helpless female would never understand what's best for her: I am BAD FOR YOU and I have NO SOUL and I am not willing to take yours and sometimes I feel really funny when you kiss me and I think this is bad for my virginity and you are going to GET DEAD if we stay together. Just promise me to stay not-dead after I leave and we'll call it even.
BELLA: WTF NO NO NO YOU CAN'T NO
EDWARD: Okay, LOOK. I am SICK OF YOU and your whining and your clinging and and your endless codependency and these SHITTY, SHITTY MOVIES, OKAY? I am SICK of this endless slo-mo and this magenta lipstick bullshit. I AM A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT, AND THESE CONTACTS HURT, OKAY? I AM DONE WITH THIS.
BELLA: EDWARD!
EDWARD: SPARKLE OUT.
BELLA: EDWARD!!!
EDWARD: *VAMPIRE HAND*
BELLA: ...omg.
[Bella then curls up in the woods to die, too shellshocked even to notice that Some Ripped Quileute Guy carries her home. She remains catatonic in her room while OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, and DECEMBER drift past her window.]
Scenes of Bella Attempting to Move on With Her Life
Scenes of Bella Setting a Good Example for Real-Life Teenage Girls
Scenes of Bella Putting on Her Big Girl Panties and DEALING WITH IT
[These never appear in the series.]"
Fra Twilight Secrets.
Gå ikke glipp av resten!
Og tror du ikke den skjønne Cleolinda har anmeldt Twilight også?
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