Number 6 Suckiest – Congratulations, Edward is now a creepy stalker
"From the moment Bella enters the classroom, it seemed they set Edward on the wrong spin... from there it just whirls and teeters out of control. He holds his nose as she walks in front of the fan - okay, fans of the novel understand what’s going on but to the rest of the audience, she smells terrible. Or somebody farted. (Certainly not one of the vampires… or… wait. Do they? I bet they fart glitter that smells like rainbows, Stephenie.)"
Subtilt.
"But let’s be honest. How many of you watched this movie with people who hadn’t read the book? And of those people, how many of you had to explain that no, Edward wasn’t creepy, he’s not a stalker, he… watches… her… sleep because it’s… romantic. Uh. Whoops. Things that came off as sweet and loving in the book were just not carried over well onscreen. I think they would have greatly benefited from the inclusion of the deleted scene of Bella having a dream about kissing Edward. Something showing that she would have loved it if Edward were in her bedroom at night would have made him seem far less disturbing. I mean, in Port Angeles, at dinner when he confesses he was following her… it just didn’t have that effect of making your heart swell with delight like it did in the novel. (No tinglies. I miss the tinglies.)"
Pornofantasi-Robward.
Number 6 Greatest – Edward dashing over to stop the van
"A moment of pure glee! Finally! They were (too) few and far between for “Twilight” fans in this film, but here is one where I definitely felt some chills and heard some squeals in the audience. The lingering looks between Bella and Edward as they fidget at their cars after school, and suddenly, screeching tires as this supermassive blue van comes sliding towards Bella. Out of nowhere, there is Edward, and he stops the van easily, swiftly; gracefully. The look they give as they turn to face each other… (commence squealing!). Edward awkwardly removes his hand from her back, stands up and leaves."
Hot-sårbar-Robward.
"Wait-a-second. He should have left around the front of the truck; because boy is it obvious he’s there when everyone goes rushing over. I mean, come on, how did no one else see that? That’s my only complaint. In the book, no one has any idea that he helped save her, and he also didn’t run away from her, he stayed to make sure she was fine because he was so worried. But otherwise, oh it’s romantic. This is a point in the film when they come close to actually hitting that romantic sexy tension that we love so much in the novel.
As I watched this movie with my friend Sarah, she did point out something technically wrong in this scene. She grew up in the north, went to school up north, and she reminded me that at the end of the school day, all the ice would have melted down and become slush. So, for the van to run over a patch of ice and slide is unlikely. (Slush, maybe) However, I know from living here in Colorado, that sometimes patches would melt and then freeze again when the sun wasn’t on them anymore. So, it’s 50/50. It happens in the book, I’m gonna let that one slide here."
Number 5 Suckiest – Rosalie… what happened to you?
"For some reason, it is far more upsetting to me to see a naturally tan woman caked in white flour, than to see a naturally white woman caked in bronzer. In this case, Nikki Reed looks like she got hosed down by Casper the ghost. Because, oh wait, that’s what happens when you cast a Cherokee/Italian heritage woman as a whiter-than-hell vampire. And bleach her hair for thirty hours until it looks like a pasty cat you flung at her head."
Rosalie.  | NReed.  |
"Now don’t get me wrong, Nikki Reed is fantastic, and does a pretty good job of playing Rosalie as a character. But, Summit, Stephenie, Catherine, we’re all big girls. Give us some credit. We understand that because you cast Nikki, Rosalie isn’t gonna look exactly like she did in the book. So, let her take off those ridiculous gloves, put down the ten-inch stripper heels and let the girl have a little bit more of her natural beauty back. The freakishly pale skin and glove bit only worked for Michael Jackson (may he rest in peace). Now, in the New Moon trailer, they’ve got her looking pretty darn good, with a high quality wig and glove-less outfit, so I’m very pleased. But then again, doesn’t just about everything look better in the New Moon trailer? Can I get a hell-yeah?"
Number 5 Greatest – The times when it actually had a little dignity in the details
"We can start off with the breathtaking, beautiful scenery. The opening of the film in particular, starting with the shot of the desert that blurs into the tree covered snowy state of Washington. Speaking of the opening, the speech from the novel being the start of the film is just fantastic. Thank you Melissa. And thank you Summit, for not changing the logo of “Twilight” from the novel cover."
Naturen schmaturen. Hvem i helvete bryr seg om den?
"While Eric Yorkie stinks in my opinion, Mike Newton, oh how I love thee. And Jessica, you two-faced hew-were (sound it out), I adore you."
Enig! Jeg synes Anna Kendrick som Jessica var fantastisk i filmen!
"Thanks for making Bella clumsy, and an even bigger thank you to Kristen Stewart for pulling it off naturally. When she slides on the front steps in front of Charlie that looked so real, because it wasn’t overdramatic. People who fall on purpose tend to flail around a lot. Also, points added for Bella’s beautiful lullaby, and for the fact that Robert Pattinson played it himself. Granted, it was in a weird dream-like room that we hadn’t seen nor do we see again in the movie, and the song was supposed to be hummed as she fell asleep, but no matter! It was a good song, much more dignified and classy than I would have expected and I will leave it at that."
Piano-Robward-porno...Du kan strum my pain with your fingers når som helst, Rob. Når som helst.
Number 4 Suckiest – The “How long have you been 17?” scene
"There was a perfect opportunity for all that to be clarified in the car ride, just like it was in the novel. The car scene in the film even was a bit sexy and had the right kind of tension. To add this conversation to it would have made it better. To drag it out waiting for this crap scene, (where they’re somehow able to wander off school property without someone noticing?) and have it become this the weird spinning crap when Edward comes clean to Bella? Bad Catherine, bad!
Then he starts hauling her off like some twangy country and western song, “Come here woman so I can teach you a lesson”… excuse me? He’s a gentleman, hello!"
Løpinga. Jeg liker ikke løpinga. Før jeg ble immun, var jeg alltid kjempeflau når løpinga begynte.
"So then he tosses her on his back (okay now, that I’d be totally fine with) and starts running. Yeesch. I get that it cost a lot of money (and pain) to achieve this effect, but once you saw the final results, wouldn’t you fix it? This is too big of a black mark on the film to just ignore.
He sets her down and unbuttons his shirt to reveal his sparkly self. Instead of looking the least bit organic, like it could actually be real, they chose to go with the “My Little Pony On Crack” look. With the added bonus of twinkly sound effects, as if we weren’t able to grasp the blinding result on the screen. Come to think of it, that sound effect was probably added so that upon further viewings, when you are eventually blinded, you know what’s going on. Pause the film at 52:37. You can almost hear him saying, “Ugh, my sparkles suck.”"
Ny BuffyArt i emning: Hva med "This shit gonna ruin my street cred forever"?
"The “as if you could outrun me!” line… yes, I get the self-loathing and frustration, but really it just sounds like the super-awkward kid in high school who thinks he can trick everyone into thinking he’s funny if he shouts really loud. Ouch, Edward, that was my eardrum. No, I will not meet you at your locker after lunch.
Okay, every second of this scene is like a slap in the face. My cheeks are numb and I’m having trouble counting all the glaring problems here. Hold on. Okay, now Edward has pulled the tree branch and says he’s like, some nasty killer psycho and she should obviously go running in the opposite direction, hands flailing over her head. Instead, she blurts out, “I don’t care.” Riiiiiiiii-ght. Sigh; let me explain this to you, actors and directors. Bella… does not care because she loves Edward, can feel that he’s a good person, and knows he would never hurt her. Kristen… says it like she truly doesn’t give a damn he’s a killer. There’s a big difference between loving someone, and just being an ignorant crazy person who likes to date self-destructively."
Jeg gir faen i om du er en stalker-massemorder som vil drepe meg og drikke blodet mitt. Jeg vil ha deg. Nå! Jeg gir deg den, Bella. Vi kan enes om noe.
"Then Edward speeds off, mid-freaking-conversation to jump around some trees. Okay, veering dangerously toward the awkward kid in class again. The line about heroin is devastatingly misused, for without the entire explanation, it sounds hopelessly overdramatic.
Finally, we get to a bit of dialogue that doesn’t suck so much, and is actually kind of satisfying. This scene ends (mercifully) with us being dragged across the meadow scene, grasping at it frantically, but as we’re being shoved, we are forced to move on. Shame on you, Catherine!"
Rask-i-hop-meadow'en.
Number 4 Greatest – Catherine Hardwicke Yay/ Boo
"Do any of us realize just how bad this could have been? Oh my God… I watched some behind the scenes clips (I’m sure 99% of you have seen these too) of Stephenie Meyer talking about the kinds of offers she was getting, and then some of the things that Summit themselves suggested, and my jaw just hit the floor. Floor length gowns with chokers, Bella on a jetski… we were saved from sheer ruination by Catherine Hardwicke. If they had hired someone who didn’t understand the girly, giggly, teenage-love side of this story… it would have been utterly damned from the beginning. Catherine set in place certain rules that further directors cannot touch, and for that, we thank her endlessly. (Multi-racial casting, for one.) No matter how much they will improve on the following films, we owe a debt to Catherine Hardwicke. She will forever be our installed “safety”."
Jeg er enig i en ting: Du kunne ha fucka opp Twilight mye mer enn du gjorde. Men hvorfor måtte du fucke opp det viktigste? Forholdet mellom Edward og Bella?
"But, in the ways in which she failed us all… ah, Catherine. Do I really need to get specific here? The buck stops with you, Madame, and I hold you responsible for most of this list. It is your job to get-er-done and that is why they pay you the big bucks. I know ya got it in ya, look at “Thirteen” and “Lords of Dogtown”! You don’t suck! So… what happened?"
Hvis du ikke fikk med deg starten på denne tiraden, finner du plass 10 og 9 her og plass 8 og 7 her.
Bildene er fra everglow.net, msn.com, edwardandbella.net, flixster.com og lionandlamblove.org.
Hardwicke went 'zero to hero' - and back again
SvarSlett*life is a rollercoaster, u can't fight it*